| Breaking a 5 1/2 year silence! |
[Oct. 2nd, 2011|09:31 pm] |
Well, I'm not really a fan of putting my whiny feelings and whatnots all over the interwebs but this has been a hard couple of months and I don't really have anyone BUT the internet (a.k.a myself) to talk to. Yeesh, that's pathetic. I broke up with my boyfriend, who *SURPRISE* didn't seem to mind all that much and didn't put up much of a fight. I realized I've been really unhappy for over a year and I wonder why it took me so long to figure that out? I'm also realizing that I am all kinds of emotionally battered and I've been blaming everything on myself when it is definitely NOT all my fault AND that I haven't really been single since I was 19, which feels like a lifetime ago.
I'm not really sure what do with myself right now. I'm soo lonely and it makes me feel like a massive loser, middle school style. I spend most of my time with a weird rich lady and two little kids. It's not exactly the kind of job where you meet new people? At least not adult people. Dating Casey turned me into a saaaaaaaaad sack. I stopped hanging out with all my crazy friends. All of my best friends live faaar away and I have no car. I've lost touch with almost everyone I was friends with (the ones I didn't lose touch with just don't like me anymore or vice versa). I live alone. I'm afraid of my neighborhood because Casey, his roommate Ben, and their friends are EVERYWHERE (Ben works on the corner of my block!) and I really just want to avoid that whole scene.
I'm just used to always having someone to do everything with and I suddenly feel really alone. I thought I might solve this by getting a roommate but since I don't know anyone who would/could it seems unlikely for a while that I will live with anyone but my pets. I feel like I'm turning into an old, sad lady who dies in her apartment and no one notices until she smells and the cat has eaten half her face (...I have started crocheting a lot...)!
My whole plan was to look for a new, non-children job and get back in school. 'I will meet a buttload of new people while improving my life and self in multiple ways!', I thought. Instead, finding a new job is proving extremely difficult which is new for me and as usual the whole money issue is proving to be an immovable boulder on the path, which is ironic because a lot of it involves Boulder. Metro put a block on my admission because I owe them money (it's only $25, but still), plus they claim I'm not eligible for in-state tuition when I DO get accepted, plus Boulder won't send my transcript because I owe them something like $800, PLUS I'm not even sure that my Department of Education account will be rehabilitated in time for me to start in January.
BLAH. (btw, if you go to the entry I posted last in 2006 and click on the Bleh links at the bottom you'll find that that's a real person! I just discovered that and was very amused) Also not going excellently is my quit smoking/ stop being a massive fatty plan. I quit smoking for one solid week, but I guess only succeeded because of the patch because once I realized what a terrible number it was doing on my skin (three weeks later I still have a red, scabby square on my chest) I stopped using the patch and immediately started smoking again. I'm not smoking in the house anymore and I went from a pack a day to half a pack a day so at least I didn't TOTALLY revert. I still plan seriously on quitting but I have to prepare myself for it being a lot harder now without patches. And maybe moving past some of this lonely hearts turmoil and school/money stress would help. As far as working out goes, I have been neither very diligent nor completely slacking. The result is that instead of my goal of losing five lbs this month (like last month) I've stayed EXACTLY the same. At least I didn't GAIN weight, I GUESS.
So...yeah. Basically, succeeding does not seem to be my strong point in life.
Sorry about that looooooong, ridiculous, "woe-is-me" type rant, but I needed to just get it all out! Sometimes a girl just needs someone to bitch to. Or a computer to bitch to, anyway.
On the upside, I started watching Weird Science and it's cheering me up considerably.
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| i just can't resist a game of tag |
[Mar. 14th, 2006|06:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | semisonic-closing time | ] |
| Guilt | What is yours? | Explain yourself | | Culinary: | all food |
i'm a fatty |
| Literary: | gossip girl | i don't know if this can even be considered literature it's so ridiculous- basically a written soap opera | | Audiovisual: | seinfeld | on average i watch one hour of non-seinfeld TV a week (grey's anatomy!) - it's sad |
| Musical: | barry manilow | i'm a closet fanilow!! POURQUOI!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! |
| Celebrity: | snoop dogg | need i say more? |
Now I tag:-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) bleh bleh bleh bleh and bleh
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|12:56 am] |
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Conclusion: Live journal is bad for my health. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|02:22 am] |
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she's getting help and everyone is supporting her and caring for her and worrying about her. I wish i were her. I wish people cared about me. I wish i cared about me. |
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| ponder ponder |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|01:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hurling | ] |
| [ | music |
| | gypsy cd made by faja | ] |
I wonder if there's a world record for number of times a person has thrown up in a two week period without any kind inducement? I should look into that. |
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| ugh |
[Oct. 5th, 2005|11:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pixie sticks | ] |
| [ | music |
| | All These Things That I've Done- Killers | ] |
Though I really want to hate them, particularly for that boyfriend/girlfreind song, this song is starting to grow on me a bit. dang.
Well life basically sucks, and i basically suck at life. I've always been depressed, this isn't news to anyone despite my efforts to always appear to be "fine," but its different now. I've never hated myself quite this much, and every moment i grow slightly more apathetic. My room literally has a six inch coating of debris across the floor, except for a little 5 by 5 area over by the window where i sleep at night since i dont have enough energy/don't care enough to move the crap on my bed to the empty shelf on my wall. I care so little about life lately that i hardly even put any effort into keeping up my "fine" facade and occasionally break out into random tears and fits of desperate hopelessness at work, in school, in the grocery store, everywhere. ("I've got soul but I'm not a soldier...") I want things to be better but I'm not trying to make them better. I feel like my life is happening to me and I'm just watching as it falls apart. I don't have anyone to talk to and I really need to talk to someone. |
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| Oho! I Strike Again |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|10:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bleh | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Such Great Heights- Iron and Wine | ] |
I'm on some kind of updating frenzy! Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm ONCE AGAIN going to have to cancel with my dad. grr! I have to retake my calc test because even though i came in for help, got every question right on the homework, and actually TOOK NOTES (which i usually do not), I still got only ahigh D so I have to come in right smack in the middle of my dad time and do a retake. This is the last year of my life that I'll have the opportunity to see him every couple of weeks and I'm not even doing that- last time I saw him was early August. I finally can spend actual quality time with my faja and I can't. Ah the irony. |
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| Decision |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|09:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peach popsicle!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Low Rider- War | ] |
Yesterday I made a decision, a rare occurance lately, and one of few in my lifetime that I felt so sure and happy about: I'm not going to homecoming. I'm going to go see a movie with a bunch of my other non-homecoming friends instead. I went the past three years and it was fun enough, but this year I just don't want to. I know it's just part of the apathy that's been setting in over me lately, but apathetic as I am, I don't care. I only have one pang of remorse/doubt- my homecoming going/dancing buddy and one of my favorite people in the WORLD, one Ms. Erin Marie Patrick Suspense Lynch, does want to go and won't be super thrilled that I'm not, but the Nicoles are going so I'm positive that she'll have a really good time anyway, because NIcole Hsu is about twice as fun and ten times as good of a dancer than me anyday. |
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| Yo Shorty! |
[Sep. 18th, 2005|06:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frickin freezing | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Baby Got A Six String- Dressy Bessy | ] |
I just realized that all of my entries (excluding the first one) are extremely long and boring- so this one here is my gift to you:
Hello! Life is good today. My shoulders hurt. I'm so cold right now that I'm shivering. I finally got someone to trade me shifts so I can go to homecoming. Bye! |
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| See. Spot. Save. |
[Sep. 18th, 2005|06:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  head achy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Everlong- Foo Fighters | ] |
Last night was REALLY shitty. I didn't even get to start zoning unitl like 9, and since we close at 10, that's a really bad thing. But the worst was that we have a halloween section now and there are these little "doorbells" that little kids can ring and they're supposed to sing a different phrase each time, but one of them got stuck when I was over working in the boys clothes, right across from there, and sang the same STUPID phrase ("carve a gourd, save a pumpkin") in an annoyingly high pitched voice for almost twenty straight minutes-after ten my eyes were all bugged out and I was seriously considering ripping the damn thing out of the wall so i called my boss, who kindly gave me permission to take it down, but I couldn't figure out how to, so three different people came over to try but couldn't either, with the damn thing singing the WHOLE time, until finally Randy, my new hero, decided to just take out the batteries. Actually, come to think of it, even worse than that was when I picked up a box of shoes and a warm, open, ROTTING tube of gogurt was stuck to it and squirted out all over my face, pants, shoes, and the floor. Sick.
Today was alright though, Brittney was there, which was awesome because i love her and never get to see her since she usually works days and I usually work nights. She broke up with Seth, her fiancee who works in gorcery, though, which I was a little surprised to find out, and kind of has a crush on his younger brother Luke (but don't we all? he's a cutie). Plus, Victoria, the girlfriend of the guy I have a crush on at work -Nate, quit mid-shift on Friday and I haven't seen Nate since then so I hope he didn't follow suit, Cara is leaving us for Vitamin Cottage, and Matt and Elisha are going out now (cute!)- Drama drama drama.
The new day time fitting room person, Elisha, is soo awesome! We were hanging up some fleece footy pajamas for girls today and she decided she could probably fit into some XL ones since she's pretty short so I covered the phones and she went to try them on, but they were a bit small, because, understandably enough, in the girls sizes there isn't as much room in the chest area and it looked like a furry version of one of those star trek body suits, but with feet. I started laughing so hard that I actually fell out of the fitting room chair and knocked all these clothes out of this lady's hands. good times... |
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